Are you ever at a point in your life where you are like “GOD WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU??” AHHHHHH!!! The answer is… EVERYWHERE and always with you!
But there are times when it doesn’t seem like it right?? Not that He does not love you, but He just isn’t answering your desperate need for an answer… NOW!
Sometimes don’t you wish He would just knock you over the head with a 4x4 with the answers to your questions/prayers? I mean not literally, but you know what I mean. Sometimes it is like, Jesus can you just send me a text with the clear and definite answers.. PLEASE?!?!?
Ever feel that way? If not your life is perfect and you can stop reading this…
Yes! I knew you would keep reading! LOL! I am/just went through this and man what a roller coaster ride of crazy-ness! I returned from a 6-month mission trip. ½ in the states for training, and ½ in Nepal for ministry. When I returned to the USA, I was a different person, and I still am that new person, with a new refreshed outlook on life… so going BACK to a life that I had before I left was terrifying to me. A life on the crazy world of radio, life in show biz. AHHHH!! It scared the heck out of me.
So, God had set up this awesome opportunity for me to get back into Christian radio, a great gig! But He taught me in Nepal how important family is. He restored and redeemed so many things about love and family while I was overseas. So I came back to America and was spending time with them and decided ok, I am going to get a job and stay near my family in Florida or Texas, one of the 2.
SO, of course this radio job would take me away from my family! OF COURSE. Life just isn’t going to be exactly what I want it to be.. of course not.
But the bible does not promise us that.
So I interviewed and applied for jobs near my family, not radio, but in ministry or with Christian families. Great jobs too! But, everything was in such a crazy time crunch. I did everything I could to not have to leave my family, I even told God a zillion times.. “SHUT THE DOOR TO THE RADIO GIG IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO TAKE IT!! SLAM IT GOD!! I can’t do this without you, I NEED A SIGN.. NOW!” But he just kept on opening the doors to the radio gig. If an obstacle came up to keep me from going, God would move them out of the way.. GRRRRRRRR, I was thinking.. Jesus.. really?? You just taught me all about family and how important it is, and now you want me to leave them. AGAIN??? WHAT?!?! I have to go back to show biz and get into all that crazy life style that I was living my whole life… moving around the country to places where I have no one and I am alone, and have to start all over again?
“The signs you are looking for, you can always find them in THE WORD, THE BIBLE!” `~some guy on the radio…
I was so lost, I was so confused. Because there was so many amazing things that came with the job, and so many amazing things that came with staying near my family.. so what the heck??? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? There was no door slamming in any of the choices I had.. WHAT?!?!
So, I stayed in the WORD, and I prayed and prayed and prayed and did intercession with the Holy Spirit daily.. some days nothing.. not a peep from the Holy Spirit. Some days… He gave me little things to do, but I still had no clear answer. But I did know, that NO MATTER WHAT I CHOSE, GOD WOULD STILL LOVE AND TAKE CARE OF ME!
That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? (Matthew 6:25-27)
Ok, that was not good enough for me. Holy Spirit, but can you give me clear answer on what to do?? Like can you spell it out for me? Call me? Text me something!!! PLEASE!
So I just kept on praying and seeking…
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. (Luke 12-31)
The enemy found a foothold in that. He told me I was a failure. He tried to get me to doubt God, that all the spiritual growth I had in Nepal was false. That I put myself here in this position because I made such bad decisions in my life. That I am a single 43 year old who has no kids, no one loves me, I am a joke of a woman, and no one would respect me because I am job-less, husband-less, and child-less. So he tried to tell me that I was going to end up with no job anywhere and just be a loser and all my life was just a waste, all my hard work would be soon forgotten.
YES that is how bad it got. That is how the enemy TRIED to STOP me..
BUT we ALL KNOW JESUS wins.. ALWAYS! EVERYTIME!
So I kicked the enemy in the bootie …I stayed in the Word, very close to the Word… EVERY SINGLE DAY. I continued in prayer and intercession daily. I reached out to people. I asked for prayers and help from my awesome strong spiritual mentors and my life mentor. I served, I humbled, and I believed and claimed daily that I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I was PERSISTENT.
One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. “There was a judge in a certain city,” he said, “who neither feared God nor cared about people. A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, but this woman is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!’”
Then the Lord said, “Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. 7 Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! (Luke 18:1-8)
Finally I just decide that I was going to take the radio job, it’s ministry, there are awesome people who were fighting for me, and my new bosses were being so supportive in Godly, upstanding, moral ways. They earned my respect in a strong and powerful way. They were not being like other people I have worked for in the past. God never shut the door, so I knew He has a purpose in this. I may have been kicking and screaming, but I got in my car and started my journey from Florida all the way across the country to Portland, Oregon.
Again, the enemy came back and was like nope.. Guess what, I am going to give you another obstacle to keep you from going. ..
So, once I got to my family in Texas, I started having doubts .. AGAIN!!! I have a best friend in Texas who has a powerful little church, 3P Arena Cowboy Church, and they all prayed for me. Again FAMILY. A strong Christian FAMILY. Right here in front of my own eyes in the greatest state in the world.. TEXAS. They did not even know me and they prayed for me. And I heard the Pastor say “WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT’S WAY!!” Jesus why am I so confused?? This is a no brainer!
Did I create my own trap here? Was I so insecure and scared to make a solid choice that I made it harder for myself? Was this all my doing?
So I stayed in the WORD… again thank God I was in Luke. I was reading about how Jesus, moments before He was about to be betrayed by Judas, tortured, mocked, and crucified, He was in the garden begging God to stop the suffering. Begging Him, please Father do not allow this to happen. But Jesus said "YOUR WILL BE DONE FATHER" And I thought, “my goodness Brenda, Jesus was about to DIE and here you are crying over whether you should leave your family for a MINISTRY JOB?? To work for people who like you??” That sure did humble me and change the way I was thinking. My suffering is NOTHING compared to that. Jesus inspired me that even if it hurts, if it is God's will, it will be powerful ministry! Someone somewhere somehow will feel the love of Jesus through all of this!
So I kept reading the WORD and kept doing intercession with Jesus.
Finally, one day in a hotel room on my way to Portland…. I FINALLY HEARD CLEARLY FROM the HOLY SPIRIT… LOUD AND CLEAR!!! I was reading in Luke, when Jesus was telling the disciples that those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank. God reminded me don’t let ego get to me, He said loud and clear “GO AND SERVE!!!!!!” Do not “go and work,” He said “GO AND SERVE!!” I lost it! I was so thankful; a huge weight was lifted from my heart. That changed EVERYTHING for how I was looking at getting back into radio. Take the lowest rank Sister, and SERVE, period.
Then I was listening to a sermon from New Spring Church with Davy Blackburn. He said
"Everything God gives us in life, good AND BAD, is what we would ask for IF WE KNEW everything that HE KNOWS"
That was it… God finally got to me… He just needed me to go through all the emotions, ups and downs, fears and doubts, happy and sad moments. Laughter and tears, to finally just LET GO AND LET GOD!! I finally could GET OUT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT’S WAY!!!!
SO, now I am here in Portland and God is with me. I am still scared, I don’t know what will happen. I am sure I will mess up at a few things, I ain't perfect! But I DO HAVE the POWER of THE HOLY SPIRIT, and that is ALL WE NEED!
MY ENCOURAGEMENT TO YOU:
When you have no idea what God is trying to tell you, when you have no idea what you are suppose to do, when you can't seem to figure our what road to take at the crossroads, don’t stop seeking Jesus, BE PERSISTENT! NEVER STOP!!!! He is with you, He is there, sometimes we just have to go through every emotion in the book to finally GET THE HECK OUT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT’S WAY! TRUST HIM!!!
“When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!"
SO TUNE IN!! I am back on the air!!!
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